Whaddaya Nuggnuts?

No. No I am not. Please speak English. Use actual words.

Seriously, fuck these commercials right in the ear.

Random Observation (UPDATE): The Celts' Division Is Worse This Year Than Last

Starting caveat: The Celtics were not going to be seriously challenged by anyone for a division title this year. Worst case scenario was somehow finishing behind the Cavs/Pistons/Magic for a fourth seed. After finally overcoming their early issues with starters coming out flat and waiting for the bench to inspire them, the Celtics are rounding into form and looking like the team I saw get out to a 29-3 start last year (and not the team I saw get blown out in person at the start of a slump).

With all that said, the rest of our division is looking more and more like a cadre of incompetent poseurs. It's not like the teams have all gotten worse; in fact, the Nets and Knicks appear to have improved somewhat to this point. However, they were the two worst teams in a terrible group of Atlantic foes last year, and the only two who were competent* have apparently gotten appreciably worse this year.

*- Competent = Made the playoffs and got trounced

Background: Remember, the Celtics won the division by 25 games last year. This happens when you have the best team in the NBA and no one else in your division can manage a winning record. Let's look at the teams, one by one.

The Toronto Raptors: My initial catalyst for this idea, considering their 39 point loss to the Nuggets tonight. This team has gone from solid offensive operators who could outshoot you on any given night (see their 2 point defeat of the Celtics last year with a 71.4% shooting percentage from 3) to a team that scores less efficiently than last year (welcome, Jermaine O'Neal) and is among the bottom seven defensive teams in the entire league. The team is still under .500 and projects (by my best mathemagical estimations) as a 30 win team, the lowest projection of all our pathetic division foes. Can they contend for a playoff spot? Only if they turn around a lot of disconcerting trends, and soon.


The Philadelphia 76ers: At the time of this post, they sit in last place in the division, 8.5 games back of the C's. Clearly the Elton Brand addition was highly overrated by the people who were personally smitten with the idea of Elton Brand. They are thus far the only other solid defensive team in the Atlantic Division, but their offense (bottom 7) doesn't sufficiently compensate for that. Despite being in last place at the moment, they still project for a 40 win season and a playoff berth. They've got talent, according to the "expert" cockbags, but they're not looking like a statistically relevant bunch.

The New Jersey Nets: Currently running in the distant second place position for the division, with an intimidating 9-8 record. Much like the other divisional fraud, the Knicks, they are a strong offensive team (ranked 6th) that has shown little evidence of giving a shit on the defensive end of the court (ranked 27th). Their Mathemagical prediction at the moment is for 33 wins, which would place them slightly below last year's effort. Devin Harris is doing a solid job of replacing an over-the-hill Jason Kidd and a perpetually-overrated Richard Jefferson, but one never knows when the Vince Carter enigma will pull an about-face due to a perpetually sand-ridden vagina. Thankfully Joumanna Kidd won't be around for the playoff series that might ensue in April.

The New York Knicks: A team that was an epic failure for many recent years under Isiah Thomas has been reborn, to a degree, under Mike D'Antoni. They have evolved from a team that sucks at offense (last year: 21st) and defense (last year: 22nd) to a team that plays well on offense (2nd best) and sucks even more on defense (2nd worst). Their Mathemagical prediction is currently good for about 34 wins in total, which is not likely to be enough to reach a playoff spot. Then again, the proposed Stephon Marbury addition-by-subtraction could have unforeseen implications going forward.

With all the above said, we're still looking at about an average win total of 34.25 for the non-Celtics teams in the Atlantic this year, compared to the 34.5 end-of-season average last year. Furthermore, the standard deviation of wins last year between the four also-rans was 8.3 last year, versus my current projections of a 4.2 standard deviation. So to this point, the teams the Celtics are competing with for a division title may not be worse, but they appear to be more consistently mediocre than last year's crew of also-rans.

UPDATE: Apparently I was not the only one inspired to action by last night's Raptors loss...The Raptors GM was impressed enough to fire head coach Sam Mitchell. Yes, Scott, his eyes could not handle suck of that magnitude!

Playoff Bound, Bound To Lose?

The New England Revolution limped their way into the MLS Playoffs this past Saturday night with yet another late season loss, this time the two red card variety (though from this biased fan's vantage point in the stadium, both cards appeared to be yellow, not red). The 3-1 defeat at the hands of the Columbus Crew meant nothing to New England in the standings, and would not have unless they had won by 12, but even then that would only have determined home field order in the upcoming semifinals.

As to said semifinals, the Revolution are probably just delaying the inevitable failure by making this round. They face the Chicago Fire, a team that has owned, pwned, and uber pwned them this year. Led by Mexican douchetard Cuauhtemoc Blanco, as well as Americans Chris Rolfe and former US international Brian McBride, the Fire have a strong squad up front. And while the Revs' one remaining strength may be their back line, the loss of captain Steve Ralston in the midfield may have finally crippled New England's offensive efforts for good.

The Revs have proven over the last few years that anything can happen in the playoffs, however, so they shouldn't be counted out until the final whistle sounds. They host the first leg of the Eastern Conference Semifinals on Thursday night at Gillette Stadium, and with some luck it will be more than the curtain call on the MLS careers of Taylor Twellman, Michael Parkhurst, and perhaps even Shalrie Joseph. This may or may not be the last year of a strong period for this club, and the best we may be able to hope for is that they go down swinging.

Superliga Final, Bitches!

The picture at right was an overly familiar scene in the New England Revolution vs. Atlante SuperLiga semifinal on Wednesday night. Shalrie Joseph scored on a header off the crossbar in the first half, there were approximately a bajillion yellow cards (or "tarjetas amarillos", as I re-learned in Spanish via the PA announcer this evening) prior to a late, headbutt-related red card (tarjeta roja) for Atlante, followed by a double yellow-leading to a red card for Atlante, followed by the Atlante assholes making their challenges more and more reprehensible, followed by a pair of postgame red cards for clinically obscene Jay Heaps and some dumbass Atlante thug. The fact that the Revolution won, 1-0, is almost a sidenote considering the animosity that was displayed at the match's end.

The extra fun layer of this exciting, chippy matchup that turned two teams into possible rivals is, if the Revolution can move past a Trinidad & Tobago club team in the prelims for the CONCACAF Champions League, they'll move into a group with Atlante in the next stage. Meaning these Mexcian assbags will come back to Foxboro, and we'll actually have to face these uber-bitches on their home pitch.

First things first, however. Now, the title game for SuperLiga is set for next Tuesday night, in Foxboro, against the motherfuckers that defeated the Revs in the MLS Cup in the last two years. We need to show that Sayid Jarrah-looking dickshit (Dwayne DeRosario) who the best team in MLS is this year. The Revs happened to crush them in league play back in March, 3-0, which was fantastic karmic retribution at the time, but with a trophy at stake on Tuesday there's a real chance to avenge some recent losses on home field.

The biggest challenge, as noted above, is that Jay Heaps got baited into throwing punches by a douchebag Atlante staffer, making him ineligible for the final. That combined with the fact that Michael Parkhurst is inhaling industrial quality smog in Beijing for the next 2-3 weeks means the defense is going to be extra suspect against DeRosario, Ching and the other Dynamo offenders. I like Jeff Laurentowicz as a midfielder, but he might end up being the key central defender in the final since he was playing so far back so consistently in the semifinal, and that is definitely going to be a liability against a quality MLS team in midseason form.

Yikes!

I may be the only person who thinks this game's outcome is crazy, but tonight the Los Angeles Dodgers (of Los Angeles) beat the Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim (of California, of the United States, of Earth, of the Solar System, etc.) 1-0. "Sounds like a boring piece of shit", you say? Au contraire. The Dodgers won the game despite failing to garner a single hit in 8 innings. Bat. Shit. Insane.

Techincally, because MLB is a bunch of fucking asshats, the Angels are not credited with a no-hitter, because they did not prevent the Dodgers from getting a hit over 9 full innings, due to the fact that the Dodgers didn't need to bat in the 9th because THEY WERE ALREADY WINNING WITHOUT GETTING A MOTHERFUCKING HIT.

Apparently this has been done once or twice before, but it's still ri-god-damn-diculous. I can understand the rule about "official" no-hitters when it comes to guys pitching five or six no-hit innings of a rain-shortened game, but seriously, why shouldn't this be an official no-hitter? The only reason they didn't pitch a ninth inning was because they had already lost, not because the big scary rain drops made them all retreat to the confines of the clubhouse. The Angels did not allow a single hit during full length of the game that they were required to complete.

/End pointless rant

If Canadiens Fans Were A Race, I'd Be A Racist

I had to post the picture at left of Marc Savard scoring the winning goal in Game 3 of the Bruins-Habs series, because I couldn't enjoy it enough. I'll remember this image, as well as the image of idiot Montreal fans leaving the building quickly, for quite some time. And I'll have to, since it will most likely be a while before the Bruins beat them again.

I was trying to explain to a non-hockey fan today how much I hate the Canadiens and their fans, and even just saying I hated them more than I hate the Yankees and their fans wasn't sufficient enough to explain it. And then after work, I finally figured it out: If Canadiens fans were a race, I would be a complete, unabashed racist whenever I met a moron wearing a flag with their despicable logo. I would proudly discriminate against them all. I would immediately assume that the color of their jersey meant they had an inferior intellect. I would stereotype them all as effeminate, Eurotrash-wannabe, entitled douchebags, when maybe only 95% of their fans actually are these things.

So, I'll be unhappy if the Canadiens close out their series with the Bruins tonight, but I won't be disappointed in the Bruins' effort, nor disappointed because the Bruins aren't moving on (they weren't title contenders), but just disappointed that a team full of preening floppers (and, as always, a nasty goalie) with moronic, undeserving fans is the one moving on.

Bruins Make Playoffs, Prepare For Goliath

At this point, it may not matter what the Bruins want. The only way they can avoid playing the Montreal Canadiens in the first round of the playoffs is if Pittsburgh beats Philadelphia in overtime/shootout today. A Philly win drops the Bruins to 8th and secures 1st for the Habs, while a Pittsburgh win in regulation drops Montreal to 2nd and keeps the Bruins in 7th.

Now, playing the Penguins with Crosby, Malkin and Hossa isn't exactly a great matchup either, but at least the Bruins have beaten them once this year. Boston's 0-7-1 record against their French Canadian rivals has been the biggest black mark on their otherwise successful season. Could they beat Montreal? Sure. They played the Habs much tougher in the last two meetings, and got a point out of the final game when they needed it, and Tim Thomas could definitely be the kind of goalie that carries his team past a superior opponent. Unfortunately, I can't get past the thought that the chances of the Bruins getting four wins against them when they couldn't get one in the regular season are slim at best.

Of course, if we did reverse the nightmare of the 2004 playoffs on the Montreal motherfuckers, it would give me endless enjoyment.

Bizarro AL East Standings! Get Out!! **shove**

Obviously it's still April, and the chances that this actually holds up is almost zero, but the AL East standings look quite different from what everyone is used to in recent years:




1. Tampa Bay Rays 3-1
1. Baltimore Orioles 3-1
3. Toronto Blue Jays 3-2
4. Boston Red Sox 3-3
5. New York Yankees 2-3

Maybe shortening their team name was just what Tampa Bay needed to become a juggernaut. Now, if those are the standings when the Celtics season ends, then I'll probably be a little disappointed, but considering that both of Boston's winter sports teams are in the playoffs for the first time in three or four years, I'm just not that into April baseball this time around.

Relegated!

Note that the date above says March 29th, because it's all over ALREADY for Derby. I really don't have anything else to say about the team, except to congratulate them on their epic, epic failure. Of course, we'll have to wait a few weeks before we find out if they are a bigger failure than "Misdirection", but it could go either way.

Assorted Items

So I came across a few different items that are worthy of mention today, and decided to share with the two people who read my foolish commentaries:

--> The creators of the amazing FX sensation "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" sent a pilot for a new show to Fox, and the Fox execs said it "completely leapt out of the pile" of pilots. They've already been asked for five more scripts. Of course, I know nothing about television production, but it certainly sounds like good news, and if they can make it 1/4 as funny as "Sunny", it ought to be a great show.

--> This may be one of the most horribly insensitive sports-related stories I've heard in a while. I don't know what else to say about it.

--> In lighter news, it's a huge game for the Celtics tonight, who have a chance to end the Rockets' insane 22 game winning streak on national television. Of course, Boston fans are not complete homers when asked who's going to win, not according to this fair and balanced poll (scroll down).

--> Finally, I can't remember how I first learned of the Dugout, but I can't imagine life without it anymore, sad as that is. Ever since AOL Fanhouse offered the Dugout guys money to put it on their site, it hasn't been as funny, mostly due to lack of cursing, but this Colorado Rockies season preview is one of the best of the new era.

I guess that's all...

//witty finishing line