I, For One, Welcome Our New Zombie Overlord

The Super Bowl bye week is just plain awful. I have done my best to pay attention to absolutely nothing that has been said or reported this week regarding the game next Sunday, because there's nothing relevant to talk about so far in advance. Brady's ankle? No one who knows the truth about it is going to tell you the truth about it, so why bother? Chargers players calling out the Patriots for playing dirty? Them's some sour, immature grapes. Giants executives quietly guaranteeing victory? What executive in his right mind would tell you he thinks his team isn't going to win?

Anyway, after reading this, I have decided I much prefer fake reports, mostly because there's at least a 10% chance some idiot at ESPN will think something like this might be true and run with it. I can just imagine John Clayton and Sean Salisbury arguing over the merits and faults of Zombie Brady's game on a 3 hour Sportscenter Zombie Special.

P.S. I wish I had named my blog "Your Face Is A Sports Blog". I really, really do.

Boston vs. New York: A Pointless Breakdown

One of my favorite sites is low on traffic this time of year, as it specializes in using SABRmetrics to point out idiotic efforts at journalism, mostly in baseball. This post was their latest work, and it is nothing if not exceptional. Just as a taste, they pull the moronic headline and sub-headine at the top of the post, and you should be able to understand why the author of the original article should be committed to a mental institution:


"How does Boston compare to New York? It doesn't.
Big Apple superior to Boston in nightlife, atmosphere, and especially sports."

Did Isiah write this story?? Of course, as Ken Tremendous points out, the point of this article is to rile people up and thereby get people to link to it, so don't go to the actual article, just read the skewering and enjoy.

The Knicks: Cure For What Ails Ya

After the Celtics fell into a slump following losses to the Bobcats, Wizards and Wizards again, they appear to be back on the right track. Kendrick Perkins scored 15 of the Celtics' first 17 points to open the game, because his defender always left to try to double Pierce or Garnett, and the two of them were able to consistently lay it down to him for an uncontested layup. Perkins finished as the Celtics high scorer with 24 points, and added 8 rebounds.

After the Celtics took a 14 point lead into halftime, the refs then got together and decided to screw the Celtics as hard as they could. Tommy Heinsohn and I were in perfect chorus together in cursing out the officials, who didn't call a foul on a Knicks player in the third quarter until three minutes were left (and there were at least 4-5 horrible non-calls, mostly robbing Garnett and Perkins of deserving trips to the line), and then called five fouls on the Celtics in the first two minutes of the fourth quarter. In part because of uber-atrocious officiating, and in part because Paul Pierce is occasionally an idiot and allowed non-factor Quentin Richardson to get in his head, the Captain got ejected along with QR toward the end of the third on their second technical fouls each.

In the end, though, Kevin Garnett decided he had enough of that shit when the Knicks got within 8 and took over down the stretch, and the C's won by 16. 29-3 start, 1-3 slump, and now three straight wins has Boston at 33-6, five games ahead of Detroit pending the Pistons/Magic result this evening.

I was going to add an update on Liverpool after this, but they sucked their way to another draw and are now in 5th in the Premier League and 14 points behind Man U/Arsenal. They'd better enjoy the Champions League this year, because they don't look like a Big 4 team anymore. It's all about the UEFA Cup, anyways, right?

At this rate, Liverpool may not be fit to beat Havant & Waterlooville in their next FA Cup match.

Everyone Loves To See Boston (Foxboro) vs. New York (Jersey)

Once the Patriots finally finished off the Chargers, it was only a matter of a few hours before we knew what team would be the final obstacle of the season. After two horribly missed field goals and a short stint in overtime, the New York Giants continued to ride the wave of momentum that had carried them through Tampa Bay and Dallas in the previous weeks and will oppose New England, two excruciatingly long weeks from now.

Last week I was strongly hoping the
Chargers would beat the Colts so the Patriots wouldn't have to see the Manning Face again until next year, and for a while today the Chargers were playing well enough to make me regret that decision slightly. Today I was mildly rooting for the Giants to come out on top, since the Patriots already beat the Giants in their home stadium with 60% of their ass-kicking offensive line. That said, of course the Giants can give them a game; almost every team they've faced since their 56-10 Bills beatdown in Week 11 has played them tough. However, I think the Patriots played half-assed in the first half the first time these teams met, and there should be nothing half-assed about how they come out in good weather in Arizona.

But full-on predictions are premature right now. The keys to today's games:

--> Obviously, the Patriots red zone defense is the biggest reason they won, keeping the Chargers out of the end zone and forcing four field goals.
--> Underrated, though, is the fact that the team finally realized Tom Brady's passing offense was, to be kind, fucking pathetic on the day. The team almost looked as dominant offensively running in the three TE set as they do in good weather in the shotgun spread.
--> 2007-08 Brett Favre morphed back into 2005-06 Brett Favre in the second half of the NFC title game. Eli Manning was solid. But the real key was the Giants could run, and the Packers couldn't.
--> If only the Packers had fallen on the R.W. McQuarters fumbled punt return instead of trying (and failing) to pick it up and run, we might be in the first moments of revving up for the Brady vs. Favre Verbal Fellatio Bowl. John Madden would have had an erection for the next two weeks straight.

As Big Daddy Drew so expertly predicted, the matchup everyone wants never comes true. Of course, he's not exactly pleased to be right.

A Night Out With The Celtics

On Wednesday, I went to my first Celtics game ever with my brother and my friends, Scott and Mike. Our goals were simple: start a "Scalabrine" chant and enjoy an easy victory over the LOLcats...I mean, Bobcats. Of course, maybe we shouldn't have expected as much when we knew that Ray Allen would miss the game and suspected that Big Baby Davis would miss it too, suffering from back pain after carrying the team in the fourth quarter on Saturday against the Pistons (actual injury: knee).


The first quarter went well, but it was clear early on that Jason Richardson was hitting everything, so of course we started to root for him to get injured. Once we got our first sighting of Scal coming off the bench, we tried to get a chant going, but the first attempt didn't survive. We also got to see the new Celtics dancers for the first time, and Mike started yelling out to one of them (from our seats in the upper level, so no one heard him). For much of the game I thought he was doing a fake Boston accent, but it turns out that, according to the program, one of the girls is actually named "Jennafa". Her name could not be more perfect for the average Yahdood fan. Also, she says she sleeps "75% of the day"...not sure if she's big on math, but that's 18 hours. Well done, Jennafa.


The second quarter was where everything began to go to shit. At one point the Celtics were up by 11 or 12, but then they stopped scoring and stopped defending simultaneously, and it was actually a small Bobcat lead at halftime. The highlight of this quarter was the mildly successful Scalabrine chant, although we didn't start it, but we contributed. The fans right behind us had finally started to show signs of being drunk (and thereby entertaining as hell) with their own chant for James Posey, while everyone else was chanting for defense. Also, I think there were exactly zero times in the game when the crowd chanted for defense, prompted or not, when it actually worked. Just about every "DE-FENSE" ended with a Bobcat basket.


Second Celtic Dancer point I almost forgot: although this picture on their home page shows a little differently, we counted two Celtic dancers out of 20 that wore a number that wasn't Garnett, Pierce or Ray Allen, and those two both wore Kendrick Perkins' 43. No love for Rondo, girls?


Anyway, the third quarter brought much of the same, and the Bobcats' lead extended to 7. Despite the final result, the fourth quarter was mostly absolute madness. Imagine the picture at the top of this post had a Celtics uniform, because we saw Brian Scalabrine dunk. If I remember correctly, this led to a Charlotte timeout, a rousing Scalabrine chant, and the crowd generally going insane. I remarked at the time that we could actually see Scalabrine's dunk legitimately leading to a Celtics comeback victory. Down the stretch, every time the Celts made a basket and needed a stop, Kevin Garnett was waving his arms to the crowd, and everyone was getting up and making as much noise as possible. **Channels "Chris Farley Show"** That was awesome. We'll forget about the fact that every time this happened, the Bobcats scored.


With about 40 second to go and the Celtics down ten and giving a foul, we joined the mass exodus. The prevailing thoughts on the streets were "The Fuckin Bobcats??" We came to grips with the fact that we ended up seeing the Celtics worst loss of the year eventually. Scott continued to believe in The Curse of Himself. In the end, though, it was a heck of a time, regardless of the result.

Goddamn Bobcats.

The Beer Party Is At The Police Station, Too

I saw this story midday today, and I was drawn to the staggering levels of stupidity. I'm really not sure anymore what to say about it. Maybe it's not their fault...maybe they smoked so much pot that they killed the majority of their brain cells. Also, that the "police said they heard a conversation centered on the irony of smoking pot next to the station from a home separated from the parking lot by a chain-link fence." That's interesting irony, like rain on your wedding day, or a free ride when you've already paid. Was Dave Coulier the inspiration behind that song, too?

Playoffs On Paper: Giants vs. Buccaneers

I have literally watched 0.43 seconds of Tampa Bay Buccaneers football this year, and as I live in a "secondary market" for the Giants I've seen more of them than I ever would've wanted to, so this comparison may not be entirely even. Nevertheless, it's the New York Giants at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday afternoon, so I've got to find some way to compare these teams...ahhhh, here is an unbiased look at the game!


First comparison point: Team-related KSK Posts*

Giants
Buccaneers

* Note: Posts may have little or nothing to do with the team involved.

Second comparison point: Team Statistics

Tampa Bay Rushing Offense: 11th
New York Rushing Defense: 8th

New York Rushing Offense: 4th
Tampa Bay Rushing Defense: 17th

Tampa Bay Passing Offense: 16th
New York Passing Defense: 11th

New York Passing Offense: 21st
Tampa Bay Passing Defense: 1st

Tampa Bay Giveaway/Takeaway: +15
New York Giveaway/Takeaway: -9

Edge: Buccaneers

Third comparison point: Vegas opinion. Tampa Bay is a three point favorite. As mentioned in an earlier playoff post, three points at home is essentially saying that the teams are evenly matched on a neutral field.

Edge: Fucking no one. Thanks for nothing, Vegas.

Fourth comparison point: My opinion. I really don't know much about the Bucs, although the stats above suggest they will probably pick Eli Manning between four and 573 times. That is, assuming the Eli Manning from last week against the Patriots doesn't show up. The Giants have been getting a lot of praise for playing the Patriots at full board last week with nothing at stake for themselves, but on the other hand they lost a starting center, a starting linebacker, and possibly a cornerback, which could leave them that much more likely to falter this week.

My pick: Tampa Bay 17, Giants 16.

Isiah Thomas Forgot His Meds Again

Seriously, I'm starting to run out of reasons for why Isiah continues to think positively about his team and their chances for success. Luckily, Deadspin and its commenters are better at this than I am. This quote, via Deadspin, via the new York Daily News, following a 10 point loss to a Sacramento team that was missing its three best players:

"I know people will laugh even more at me, but I'm hell bent on getting this accomplished and making sure that we get it done. And I'm not leaving until we get it done. I believe that one day we will win a championship here. And I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that. And I believe I'll be a part of that."

You know, Isiah really makes delusion seem like fun. Of course, the real question is: Who's crazier? The guy who thinks his 8-22 team has championship caliber players on it, or the guy who keeps signing his paychecks, despite lawsuits and obvious incompetence?

Playoffs On Paper: Jaguars vs. Steelers

Turning to this Saturday evening's game, we have what promises to be billed as an old-school type of football matchup. These two teams embody the run-first, run-second, run always philosophies that were so successful for championship teams as recently as 70 years ago. None of that fluky, crazy "forward pass" crap for these teams! It's Jacksonville at Pittsburgh.

First comparison point: KSK Posts for the enjoyment of it: (note- posts may have minimal/no relevance to the team listed)

Jaguars

Steelers

Edge: Jags

Second comparison point: Team statistics

Jaguars Rushing Offense: 2nd

Steelers Rushing Defense: 3rd

Steelers Rushing Offense: 3rd
Jaguars Rushing Defense: 11th

Jaguars Passing Offense: 17th
Steelers Passing Defense: 3rd

Steelers Passing Offense: 22nd

Jaguars Passing Defense: 15th

Jaguars Giveaway/Takeaway: +9

Steelers Giveaway/Takeaway: +3

Edge: Steelers


Third comparison point: Vegas opinion. The current line is Pittsburgh by 2. On a neutral field, that line probably swings in favor of Jacksonville, because of how well they're playing going into the game and their success against the same team in the same stadium three weeks ago.


Fourth comparison point: My own opinion. Sure, prevailing guesses on the outcome of this game look back to that one touchdown win by the Jags a few weeks back, but what shouldn't be overlooked is Pittsburgh's 7-1 home record this season. The previous game between these teams also featured the Steelers coming all the way back from a 15 point deficit, which should be further proof of the team's resolve with the backing of their home fans. With all that said, I'm still expecting the Jaguars to win. Willie Parker was a big reason for Pittsburgh's strong rushing attack this year, and though some people think Najeh Davenport is a better fit for a power running game like the Steelers strive for, it may equally be that he's not capable of carrying the bulk of a game's workload.

Pick: Jaguars 28, Steelers 20

Playoffs On Paper: Redskins vs. Seahawks

With the NFL playoffs on the way this weekend, I thought I would attempt to provide insight you could probably find in 100 other places on these here interwebs. In 2006 I managed to go 0 for 7 in predicting how the MLB playoff series would turn out, so go ahead and bet the opposite of every prediction I make, if you go for that sort of thing.

First comparison point: High quality posts from KSK, my favorite NFL humor site, from this season...

Redskins (regarding this loss)
Seahawks*

*-When KSK is devoid of solid posts related to a playoff team, I will link to an unrelated awesome post, like this Wade and Jerry piece.

Edge: Skins.

Second comparison point: Team Statistics

Redskins Passing Offense: 14th of 32
Seahawks Passing Defense: 19th of 32

Seahawks Passing Offense: 8th of 32
Redskins Passing Defense: 16th of 32

Redskins Rushing Offense: 12th of 32
Seahawks Rushing Defense: 12th of 32

Seahawks Rushing Offense: 20th of 32
Redskins Rushing Defense: 4th of 32

Redskins Giveaway/Takeaway: -5
Seahawks Giveaway/Takeaway: +10

If those stats remain true, Shaun Alexander is going to be a non-factor, though Matt Hasselbeck may be able to keep his team in the game regardless. The turnover rates aren't in favor of Washington, though, which could mean the end of the unblemished play of career third stringer Todd Collins.

Edge: Seahawks

Third comparison point: Vegas Opinion. At the moment it's Seattle by 3. A home team being favored by 3 points would seem to be an admission that the game is a toss-up.

Edge: Even

Fourth comparison point: My own opinion. The Redskins closed the season with a great run following the tragic death of their teammate and star safety, Sean Taylor. They are an ill-timed Joe Gibbs double timeout away from a five game win streak entering the playoffs. The Seahawks have managed to play in almost complete anonymity this year (The NFC West being the Witness Relocation Program of NFL divisions). That said, there's always been a prevailing opinion that Seattle possesses one of the best "12th Man" presences, which is something they may need to defeat a playoff opponent that is playing highly inspired football.

Edge: Skins

Final score prediction: Redskins 23, Seahawks 21

The Lakers Wore Hot Pants

I'm a day late on this one, but the Celtics improved to 26-3 on the season on Sunday night by beating the 1980's Lakers (understandably, since they were without Kareem and Magic). The Boston Three Party (taken from Scott Van Pelt) combined for 74 points, Pierce leading the way with 33. Those who were reserving judgment on Boston for when they went out west now have evidence in the trip that just ended with a 4-0 record in a five day span in Sacramento, Seattle, Utah, and Los Angeles. It's no trip to San Antonio, Dallas or Phoenix, but it's still pretty solid evidence that this team should be on the short list of title contenders for this year.

With their next two games coming at home against Houston, without Tracy McGrady, and Memphis, it could get to 28-3. Of course, both games are mere tune-ups for another meeting with their top rivals in the East next Saturday. Considering the Pistons just won a game by 45, that could be a tough one to win.

Photo via Deadspin