Whaddaya Nuggnuts?

No. No I am not. Please speak English. Use actual words.

Seriously, fuck these commercials right in the ear.

Random Observation (UPDATE): The Celts' Division Is Worse This Year Than Last

Starting caveat: The Celtics were not going to be seriously challenged by anyone for a division title this year. Worst case scenario was somehow finishing behind the Cavs/Pistons/Magic for a fourth seed. After finally overcoming their early issues with starters coming out flat and waiting for the bench to inspire them, the Celtics are rounding into form and looking like the team I saw get out to a 29-3 start last year (and not the team I saw get blown out in person at the start of a slump).

With all that said, the rest of our division is looking more and more like a cadre of incompetent poseurs. It's not like the teams have all gotten worse; in fact, the Nets and Knicks appear to have improved somewhat to this point. However, they were the two worst teams in a terrible group of Atlantic foes last year, and the only two who were competent* have apparently gotten appreciably worse this year.

*- Competent = Made the playoffs and got trounced

Background: Remember, the Celtics won the division by 25 games last year. This happens when you have the best team in the NBA and no one else in your division can manage a winning record. Let's look at the teams, one by one.

The Toronto Raptors: My initial catalyst for this idea, considering their 39 point loss to the Nuggets tonight. This team has gone from solid offensive operators who could outshoot you on any given night (see their 2 point defeat of the Celtics last year with a 71.4% shooting percentage from 3) to a team that scores less efficiently than last year (welcome, Jermaine O'Neal) and is among the bottom seven defensive teams in the entire league. The team is still under .500 and projects (by my best mathemagical estimations) as a 30 win team, the lowest projection of all our pathetic division foes. Can they contend for a playoff spot? Only if they turn around a lot of disconcerting trends, and soon.


The Philadelphia 76ers: At the time of this post, they sit in last place in the division, 8.5 games back of the C's. Clearly the Elton Brand addition was highly overrated by the people who were personally smitten with the idea of Elton Brand. They are thus far the only other solid defensive team in the Atlantic Division, but their offense (bottom 7) doesn't sufficiently compensate for that. Despite being in last place at the moment, they still project for a 40 win season and a playoff berth. They've got talent, according to the "expert" cockbags, but they're not looking like a statistically relevant bunch.

The New Jersey Nets: Currently running in the distant second place position for the division, with an intimidating 9-8 record. Much like the other divisional fraud, the Knicks, they are a strong offensive team (ranked 6th) that has shown little evidence of giving a shit on the defensive end of the court (ranked 27th). Their Mathemagical prediction at the moment is for 33 wins, which would place them slightly below last year's effort. Devin Harris is doing a solid job of replacing an over-the-hill Jason Kidd and a perpetually-overrated Richard Jefferson, but one never knows when the Vince Carter enigma will pull an about-face due to a perpetually sand-ridden vagina. Thankfully Joumanna Kidd won't be around for the playoff series that might ensue in April.

The New York Knicks: A team that was an epic failure for many recent years under Isiah Thomas has been reborn, to a degree, under Mike D'Antoni. They have evolved from a team that sucks at offense (last year: 21st) and defense (last year: 22nd) to a team that plays well on offense (2nd best) and sucks even more on defense (2nd worst). Their Mathemagical prediction is currently good for about 34 wins in total, which is not likely to be enough to reach a playoff spot. Then again, the proposed Stephon Marbury addition-by-subtraction could have unforeseen implications going forward.

With all the above said, we're still looking at about an average win total of 34.25 for the non-Celtics teams in the Atlantic this year, compared to the 34.5 end-of-season average last year. Furthermore, the standard deviation of wins last year between the four also-rans was 8.3 last year, versus my current projections of a 4.2 standard deviation. So to this point, the teams the Celtics are competing with for a division title may not be worse, but they appear to be more consistently mediocre than last year's crew of also-rans.

UPDATE: Apparently I was not the only one inspired to action by last night's Raptors loss...The Raptors GM was impressed enough to fire head coach Sam Mitchell. Yes, Scott, his eyes could not handle suck of that magnitude!

Playoff Bound, Bound To Lose?

The New England Revolution limped their way into the MLS Playoffs this past Saturday night with yet another late season loss, this time the two red card variety (though from this biased fan's vantage point in the stadium, both cards appeared to be yellow, not red). The 3-1 defeat at the hands of the Columbus Crew meant nothing to New England in the standings, and would not have unless they had won by 12, but even then that would only have determined home field order in the upcoming semifinals.

As to said semifinals, the Revolution are probably just delaying the inevitable failure by making this round. They face the Chicago Fire, a team that has owned, pwned, and uber pwned them this year. Led by Mexican douchetard Cuauhtemoc Blanco, as well as Americans Chris Rolfe and former US international Brian McBride, the Fire have a strong squad up front. And while the Revs' one remaining strength may be their back line, the loss of captain Steve Ralston in the midfield may have finally crippled New England's offensive efforts for good.

The Revs have proven over the last few years that anything can happen in the playoffs, however, so they shouldn't be counted out until the final whistle sounds. They host the first leg of the Eastern Conference Semifinals on Thursday night at Gillette Stadium, and with some luck it will be more than the curtain call on the MLS careers of Taylor Twellman, Michael Parkhurst, and perhaps even Shalrie Joseph. This may or may not be the last year of a strong period for this club, and the best we may be able to hope for is that they go down swinging.

Superliga Final, Bitches!

The picture at right was an overly familiar scene in the New England Revolution vs. Atlante SuperLiga semifinal on Wednesday night. Shalrie Joseph scored on a header off the crossbar in the first half, there were approximately a bajillion yellow cards (or "tarjetas amarillos", as I re-learned in Spanish via the PA announcer this evening) prior to a late, headbutt-related red card (tarjeta roja) for Atlante, followed by a double yellow-leading to a red card for Atlante, followed by the Atlante assholes making their challenges more and more reprehensible, followed by a pair of postgame red cards for clinically obscene Jay Heaps and some dumbass Atlante thug. The fact that the Revolution won, 1-0, is almost a sidenote considering the animosity that was displayed at the match's end.

The extra fun layer of this exciting, chippy matchup that turned two teams into possible rivals is, if the Revolution can move past a Trinidad & Tobago club team in the prelims for the CONCACAF Champions League, they'll move into a group with Atlante in the next stage. Meaning these Mexcian assbags will come back to Foxboro, and we'll actually have to face these uber-bitches on their home pitch.

First things first, however. Now, the title game for SuperLiga is set for next Tuesday night, in Foxboro, against the motherfuckers that defeated the Revs in the MLS Cup in the last two years. We need to show that Sayid Jarrah-looking dickshit (Dwayne DeRosario) who the best team in MLS is this year. The Revs happened to crush them in league play back in March, 3-0, which was fantastic karmic retribution at the time, but with a trophy at stake on Tuesday there's a real chance to avenge some recent losses on home field.

The biggest challenge, as noted above, is that Jay Heaps got baited into throwing punches by a douchebag Atlante staffer, making him ineligible for the final. That combined with the fact that Michael Parkhurst is inhaling industrial quality smog in Beijing for the next 2-3 weeks means the defense is going to be extra suspect against DeRosario, Ching and the other Dynamo offenders. I like Jeff Laurentowicz as a midfielder, but he might end up being the key central defender in the final since he was playing so far back so consistently in the semifinal, and that is definitely going to be a liability against a quality MLS team in midseason form.

Yikes!

I may be the only person who thinks this game's outcome is crazy, but tonight the Los Angeles Dodgers (of Los Angeles) beat the Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim (of California, of the United States, of Earth, of the Solar System, etc.) 1-0. "Sounds like a boring piece of shit", you say? Au contraire. The Dodgers won the game despite failing to garner a single hit in 8 innings. Bat. Shit. Insane.

Techincally, because MLB is a bunch of fucking asshats, the Angels are not credited with a no-hitter, because they did not prevent the Dodgers from getting a hit over 9 full innings, due to the fact that the Dodgers didn't need to bat in the 9th because THEY WERE ALREADY WINNING WITHOUT GETTING A MOTHERFUCKING HIT.

Apparently this has been done once or twice before, but it's still ri-god-damn-diculous. I can understand the rule about "official" no-hitters when it comes to guys pitching five or six no-hit innings of a rain-shortened game, but seriously, why shouldn't this be an official no-hitter? The only reason they didn't pitch a ninth inning was because they had already lost, not because the big scary rain drops made them all retreat to the confines of the clubhouse. The Angels did not allow a single hit during full length of the game that they were required to complete.

/End pointless rant

If Canadiens Fans Were A Race, I'd Be A Racist

I had to post the picture at left of Marc Savard scoring the winning goal in Game 3 of the Bruins-Habs series, because I couldn't enjoy it enough. I'll remember this image, as well as the image of idiot Montreal fans leaving the building quickly, for quite some time. And I'll have to, since it will most likely be a while before the Bruins beat them again.

I was trying to explain to a non-hockey fan today how much I hate the Canadiens and their fans, and even just saying I hated them more than I hate the Yankees and their fans wasn't sufficient enough to explain it. And then after work, I finally figured it out: If Canadiens fans were a race, I would be a complete, unabashed racist whenever I met a moron wearing a flag with their despicable logo. I would proudly discriminate against them all. I would immediately assume that the color of their jersey meant they had an inferior intellect. I would stereotype them all as effeminate, Eurotrash-wannabe, entitled douchebags, when maybe only 95% of their fans actually are these things.

So, I'll be unhappy if the Canadiens close out their series with the Bruins tonight, but I won't be disappointed in the Bruins' effort, nor disappointed because the Bruins aren't moving on (they weren't title contenders), but just disappointed that a team full of preening floppers (and, as always, a nasty goalie) with moronic, undeserving fans is the one moving on.

Bruins Make Playoffs, Prepare For Goliath

At this point, it may not matter what the Bruins want. The only way they can avoid playing the Montreal Canadiens in the first round of the playoffs is if Pittsburgh beats Philadelphia in overtime/shootout today. A Philly win drops the Bruins to 8th and secures 1st for the Habs, while a Pittsburgh win in regulation drops Montreal to 2nd and keeps the Bruins in 7th.

Now, playing the Penguins with Crosby, Malkin and Hossa isn't exactly a great matchup either, but at least the Bruins have beaten them once this year. Boston's 0-7-1 record against their French Canadian rivals has been the biggest black mark on their otherwise successful season. Could they beat Montreal? Sure. They played the Habs much tougher in the last two meetings, and got a point out of the final game when they needed it, and Tim Thomas could definitely be the kind of goalie that carries his team past a superior opponent. Unfortunately, I can't get past the thought that the chances of the Bruins getting four wins against them when they couldn't get one in the regular season are slim at best.

Of course, if we did reverse the nightmare of the 2004 playoffs on the Montreal motherfuckers, it would give me endless enjoyment.

Bizarro AL East Standings! Get Out!! **shove**

Obviously it's still April, and the chances that this actually holds up is almost zero, but the AL East standings look quite different from what everyone is used to in recent years:




1. Tampa Bay Rays 3-1
1. Baltimore Orioles 3-1
3. Toronto Blue Jays 3-2
4. Boston Red Sox 3-3
5. New York Yankees 2-3

Maybe shortening their team name was just what Tampa Bay needed to become a juggernaut. Now, if those are the standings when the Celtics season ends, then I'll probably be a little disappointed, but considering that both of Boston's winter sports teams are in the playoffs for the first time in three or four years, I'm just not that into April baseball this time around.

Relegated!

Note that the date above says March 29th, because it's all over ALREADY for Derby. I really don't have anything else to say about the team, except to congratulate them on their epic, epic failure. Of course, we'll have to wait a few weeks before we find out if they are a bigger failure than "Misdirection", but it could go either way.

Assorted Items

So I came across a few different items that are worthy of mention today, and decided to share with the two people who read my foolish commentaries:

--> The creators of the amazing FX sensation "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" sent a pilot for a new show to Fox, and the Fox execs said it "completely leapt out of the pile" of pilots. They've already been asked for five more scripts. Of course, I know nothing about television production, but it certainly sounds like good news, and if they can make it 1/4 as funny as "Sunny", it ought to be a great show.

--> This may be one of the most horribly insensitive sports-related stories I've heard in a while. I don't know what else to say about it.

--> In lighter news, it's a huge game for the Celtics tonight, who have a chance to end the Rockets' insane 22 game winning streak on national television. Of course, Boston fans are not complete homers when asked who's going to win, not according to this fair and balanced poll (scroll down).

--> Finally, I can't remember how I first learned of the Dugout, but I can't imagine life without it anymore, sad as that is. Ever since AOL Fanhouse offered the Dugout guys money to put it on their site, it hasn't been as funny, mostly due to lack of cursing, but this Colorado Rockies season preview is one of the best of the new era.

I guess that's all...

//witty finishing line

Good Lord I Heart FJM

I don't have anything to say, just a link for anyone who's reading here...in getting ready for another baseball season, this post is the ultimate in making fun of idiotic sportswriting. I personally enjoy the fact that the writer acknowledges that Baseball Prospectus was very right about the shitty White Sox last year, and then argues that Baseball Prospectus doesn't know what they're talking about, because computers don't have feelings. Soon, they'll start stealing all of our medicine, because they're strong, and robots are made of metal.

Derby County Update!

A while back, I posted here about Derby County being on a pace to be the worst team in the history of the Premier League. Today, someone asked me, "Hey, are Derby still on pace to be historically awful?" So instead of discussing Arsenal's recent league decline, or the four English teams in the Champions League quarterfinals, it's all about the FailRams!

The first time around, I pointed out that they were on pace for a record low for points and goals scored. As of their loss to Manchester United on Saturday (their 22nd loss of the campaign, by the way) they have 10 points in 30 matches. They need five points from their last eight matches to tie the 2005-06 Sunderland squad currently holding the record. Not gonna happen. As for goals scored, they have 14 of those thus far, and need 7 more to tie the 2002-03 Sunderland record for fewest in a season. Again, this record is all but assured with only eight games left.

One other record I was curious about that I didn't look at last time was the record for goals allowed. Derby has allowed 64 goals in their 30 matches, and the record in the 38-match Premier League era goes to 1997-98 Barnsley with 82 goals allowed. (Side note: that Barnsley team still had 10 wins with all those goals allowed?!) So Derby has their work cut out for them if they want that record, but they still have a match with Arsenal this year, so that could be about ten goals allowed right there.

Either way, being on pace to set a record for fewest goals scored, and simultaneously having a chance to set a record for most goals allowed, means Derby County have just about clinched the mantle of...

**channels Comic Book Guy**

"Worst. Premier League Team. EVER!"

Julio Lugo's Excuse

Got the first word on this from a new baseball blog (co-authored by Deadspin's Combudsman and a featured Deadspin commenter), which links to a Rob Bradford piece for the Herald, but apparently Julio Lugo (pictured at right, inexplicably getting high fives from teammates last year) and his complete inability to play effective baseball last year can be explained away quite simply. Apparently, the parasites made him do it.

"I never got my strength back," Lugo said. "I started training in January and that only made it worse, and when I got to spring training, I wasn't right. "Last year I was sick before I came in. I was weak. I just couldn't get my bat through the zone. This year I feel better. I'm in better condition."

And here I thought Lugo was the parasite, sucking $10 mil from the Red Sox last year while producing a lovely .230-something average. Now, I know I'm the least impartial Sox fan in the universe when it comes to the subject of Julio Lugo (while most Sox fans were incorrectly directing their bile at J.D. Drew last year, just because he was getting paid even more and despite that he produced significantly more than Lugo...but that's the start of a long rant that no one wants to read, so I'll spare you all). As far as I can figure, Theo Epstein took some Cialis three years ago and got a raging Lugo-boner, and he never consulted his doctor when the condition persisted. Lugo never did anything against the Sox as a member of the vaunted Devil Rays (unless he started one of their annual bench-clearing brawls and I don't remember it) that would make a normal fan think he was worthy of being much more than a journeyman who could steal some bases.

Luckily, we've got stud shortstop prospect Jed Lowrie in our system, and Sox fans can only hope that he does to Julio Lugo what Jacoby Ellsbury did to Coco Crisp. Then again, I like Coco...I won't be compelled to pop open a bottle of champagne when he gets traded away.

Hoc-key? Hell yes

After spending all day following it and talking about it with the three remaining hockey fans I actually know, I figured I'd write about the things that surprised me about Trade Deadline Day for the NHL, other than the fact that the Bruins are still in line for a playoff spot.


THE BIG ONE: Of course, for weeks the biggest name expected to be on the move was one Marian Hossa. I resisted the urge to curl up in the fetal position when I read rumors today that the Montreal Canadiens might be the front-runners for two months of his services. Thankfully, that was only a nightmare, and when I woke up in a cold sweat, Hossa was on his way to Pittsburgh. Now it is only opposing Eastern Conference goaltenders that need to fear, though it remains to be seen if they pair Hossa with Crosby and Malkin to make the most dangerous line in the NHL, or opt for scoring depth over two lines. Either way, the Pens may have just become the toughest 'out' in the East.


THE HEAD SCRATCHER: In what many people thought was a precursor to the Horrible Habs picking up Mr. Hossa, they traded away their most proven goaltender, Cristobal Huet. Huet was set to be an unrestricted free agent after the season, but still, the Canadiens seemed to be poised to make a serious run at the Stanley Cup this year, coming into tonight three points out of the Northeast Division lead. Now they're pinning their playoff hopes on solid-prospect-but-unproven Carey Price. I understand the desire not to lose Huet for nothing, but at the cost of this season it seems...a little too future-focused. But then again, they do a lot of things oddly in French Canada.


THE NON-MOVE: Phil Kessel is still a Bruin. Milan Lucic is still a Bruin. These are very good things. I am very glad the Bruins didn't sell out for a rent-a-player this year, because this year isn't about winning the Cup, it's about setting the franchise up to be in position to win the Cup for as many years as possible in the near future. And who knows, with this team so built around its defense and goaltending, it may not take more than Tim Thomas being this year's "Goaltender who gets on a ridiculous hot streak in the playoffs, thereby carrying his team about two rounds further than they should have gone" (Sidenote: should we name that award after J.S. Giguere from '03 or Kiprussoff from a couple of years ago?)


THE SIDE MOVES OF NOTE: The Avalanche picked up Peter Forsberg off the street, as well as Adam Foote from Columbus, in hopes of reuiniting their 2001 Cup Champion team for another run at the title. Ray Bourque was apparently unavailable. Sergei Fedorov, who I was surprised to learn was still in the league, also moved to Washington, who are clearly hellbent on winning the Southeast Division away from the Hurricanes. (Sidenote: that division really doesn't deserve to get a playoff spot...the winner should get a bye in the AHL Playoffs) Also, former Bruins Martin Lapointe (Ottawa), Hal Gill (Pittsburgh) and Brad Stuart (Detroit) were moved today. Also Brad Richards was traded, but I didn't care, so he gets final billing.

In summation, I think following the Trade Deadline Day has officially gotten me back into hockey on the whole, just in time for the playoffs.

Barnsley > Inter Milan ???

I haven't posted much on Liverpool in the last couple of months because, well, they've sucked something awful. They were ousted from the Carling Cup by Chelsea in the quarterfinals, their atrocious league form has them 19 points below league leaders Arsenal, and worse, out of the top 4. Beyond that, there is a point of argument over which FA Cup round was where they truly bottomed out: In the fifth round, losing to Coca-Cola Championship mid-table team Barnsley at home (roughly the equivalent of the Red Sox losing to their AA affiliate), or in the fourth round when they fell behind twice to semi-professional team Havant and Waterlooville (roughly the equivalent of the NBA's Western Conference All-Stars falling behind early to a high school JV squad) before eventually winning, 5-2.

Anyway, all this led up to what was likely to be the beginning of the end of Liverpool's 2008 run in Europe. They faced Inter Milan, a team that is 11 points clear in Serie A that had one loss on the entire season in all competitions. The stage was set for a mild slaughter. As with all Champions League, I followed it online via BBC since I'm at work during the start of the matches. The picture above, in case you don't fully recognize it, is Zinedine Zidane's infamous World Cup 2006 Final headbutt on Italian Marco Materazzi. My favorite moment of following the match online was when the words: "RED CARD: MARCO MATERAZZI" appeared in the 30th minute. Of course, that also meant that Liverpool would now almost be expected to put up a goal, which would be necessary to have hope of going to Milan in March and come back out alive. By the time I got home and had changed, the match was in minute 87 and Liverpool had a crucial 1-0 lead, thanks to Dirk Kuyt's surprising decision to not be terrible (just for today) and convert on an 85th minute chance from sub and unheralded star of the match Jermaine Pennant. Tommy Smith, calling the game for ESPN2, saw the continued possession by the Reds and wondered how miraculous a 2-0 result could be if they could grab another late goal. Cue Pennant to Gerrard, who head faked two defenders to the left, which gave him enough of an opening (by inches) to move right, shoot by those two defenders, past the outstretched hand of the goaltender, off the far post and in.

So, as the lovely Transitive Property of Substitution says, Liverpool beats Inter Milan days after being defeated by Barnsley, so clearly Barnsley would have taken the Italians out with even less difficulty. As Ron Burgundy would say, "It's science."

USA vs. Mexico: The Unfriendly Friendly

To illustrate the rivalry and hatred between Mexico and U.S. Soccer, ESPN aired a segment interviewing Mexican fans about why they hated Landon Donovan so much. Apparently, during a practice on Mexican soil, he was caught on video urinating behind some bushes, and the Mexicans took it as a personal affront, as though he was urinating on them. (R Kelly not available for comment) The Mexicans continue to pretend like selling Corona in the U.S. isn't the exact same thing as pissing down American throats.

Anyway, since I decided to start commentary on it as I watched it (so that I wouldn't forget everything by tomorrow and abandon a post idea altogether), I guess this is a semi-live-blog (complete with double hyphen). In the first fifteen minutes, there was a bunch of non-action in the midfield, and all of my Jozy Altidore excitement was realized in about zero touches. And then, once Jozy gets free in on goal, it's blown dead thanks to an Oscar-winning dive that secured Mexico a place in the Flopping Bitch World Cup with Italy, Portugal and Spain. Italy, by the way, won the first semifinal of this World Cup today, 3-1, with Andrea Pirlo securing the winner just after halftime.

Bocanegra goes down after a hard collision with Tim Howard, but although Rhode Islander and Revolution alumnus Michael Parkhurst starts warming, Carlos stays in the game.

29th Minute: The Gooch has scored? The Gooch has scored!! 1-0 USA

35th Minute: Mexico equals on a very nice set piece off a mildly questionable foul. The man is Magallon. 1-1

I don't care for objectivity when analyzing this game. Tim Howard is a pretty spectacular goaltender. Don't really know what else to say about it.

40th Minute: Drew Moor makes an exceptional cross, and MY MAN JOZY puts the header home with ease! 2-1 USA!!

42nd Minute: I don't know what happened, but I just had to retract my bold font...Dempsey appeared to have a clear goal to put the US two clear, but they still haven't explained who waved it off or why. REPLAY UPDATE: THEY CALLED A SEVERE BULLSHIT OFFSIDES TO NULLIFY THE GOAL. F#$% THE REFS! KILL THE REFS! (This has been your Scottish Soccer Hooligan moment)

First Half Extra Time: Yellow card awarded to Michael Bradley. Mikey, just because you're the coach's son doesn't mean you can make careless fouls. He could send you to bed with no dessert for that.

Halftime: UNC is losing to Duke, and even worse, Kyle Singler's balls have yet to be stomped upon.

47th Minute: Ole motherf#$%ers...Mexico ties it up 2-2 right out of the locker rooms. Magallon again.

53rd Minute: Altidore gets a great chance at a header to take a lead they should still have, but the refs have full-fledged vaginas and won't call the foul in the box.

Mexico just looks like the better team since the halftime break. They must have had superior orange slices at halftime. It's a free kick from about 30 yards out for Mexico, but Howard has nerves of steel and makes the mildly difficult catch save. A great deflection by a US defender results in a corner kick, which is a win since it should easily have been a goal otherwise. US clears.

Adu in for Dempsey, Feilhaber in for Bradley, 63rd minute. It's Adu and Altidore, the wave of the future, on the attack. Team USA is possessing the ball a lot better immediately, but not making much forward progress, short of a quickly failed Altidore run. Mexico substitution: De Nigris for Cacho. My brother says of this substitution: "Shit"

Gooch gets a yellow card in the 70th minute for a hockey-style body check. Eddie Lewis replaces Bobby Convey. A naturalized Brazilian comes in for the Mexicans. That is gay. He should play for Brazil's C squad. Where are the naturalized Brazilians for the American side dammit?? The free kick from 30 yards is neutralized.

Adu is taking a corner, 74th minute. A nice offering is cleared, and possession eventually gets back to the Americans. Altidore gets a yellow as well, and the rivalry is getting heated as it almost always does.

Play is getting sluggish into the 83rd minute. A Mexican player is writhing in fake pain. I'm sure he'll play the rest of the game, forgetting this act in a minute or two. And he's up. Douchebag.

Mexico seems to be playing for the draw at this point. The international sister kiss is on the way.

Nevermind! Mexico gets a free kick oustide the right side of the box. US clears and it will take late heroics to change the late 2-2 score. Extra time is upon us, Mexico makes another change (Villaluz for Arce) but the game isn't flowing. Howard collects a long free kick, and another poor dispossession leads to a poor Mexican effort. Freddy Adu gets a foul in a decent position in the final seconds for the US. Donovan's kick is cleared on a header, and the match ends, 2-2. The disallowed goal on an insanely bad offsides call kept a somewhat deserved win from the young team.


Damn Mexicans...Dey tuk ur jaabs!!

I, For One, Welcome Our New Zombie Overlord

The Super Bowl bye week is just plain awful. I have done my best to pay attention to absolutely nothing that has been said or reported this week regarding the game next Sunday, because there's nothing relevant to talk about so far in advance. Brady's ankle? No one who knows the truth about it is going to tell you the truth about it, so why bother? Chargers players calling out the Patriots for playing dirty? Them's some sour, immature grapes. Giants executives quietly guaranteeing victory? What executive in his right mind would tell you he thinks his team isn't going to win?

Anyway, after reading this, I have decided I much prefer fake reports, mostly because there's at least a 10% chance some idiot at ESPN will think something like this might be true and run with it. I can just imagine John Clayton and Sean Salisbury arguing over the merits and faults of Zombie Brady's game on a 3 hour Sportscenter Zombie Special.

P.S. I wish I had named my blog "Your Face Is A Sports Blog". I really, really do.

Boston vs. New York: A Pointless Breakdown

One of my favorite sites is low on traffic this time of year, as it specializes in using SABRmetrics to point out idiotic efforts at journalism, mostly in baseball. This post was their latest work, and it is nothing if not exceptional. Just as a taste, they pull the moronic headline and sub-headine at the top of the post, and you should be able to understand why the author of the original article should be committed to a mental institution:


"How does Boston compare to New York? It doesn't.
Big Apple superior to Boston in nightlife, atmosphere, and especially sports."

Did Isiah write this story?? Of course, as Ken Tremendous points out, the point of this article is to rile people up and thereby get people to link to it, so don't go to the actual article, just read the skewering and enjoy.

The Knicks: Cure For What Ails Ya

After the Celtics fell into a slump following losses to the Bobcats, Wizards and Wizards again, they appear to be back on the right track. Kendrick Perkins scored 15 of the Celtics' first 17 points to open the game, because his defender always left to try to double Pierce or Garnett, and the two of them were able to consistently lay it down to him for an uncontested layup. Perkins finished as the Celtics high scorer with 24 points, and added 8 rebounds.

After the Celtics took a 14 point lead into halftime, the refs then got together and decided to screw the Celtics as hard as they could. Tommy Heinsohn and I were in perfect chorus together in cursing out the officials, who didn't call a foul on a Knicks player in the third quarter until three minutes were left (and there were at least 4-5 horrible non-calls, mostly robbing Garnett and Perkins of deserving trips to the line), and then called five fouls on the Celtics in the first two minutes of the fourth quarter. In part because of uber-atrocious officiating, and in part because Paul Pierce is occasionally an idiot and allowed non-factor Quentin Richardson to get in his head, the Captain got ejected along with QR toward the end of the third on their second technical fouls each.

In the end, though, Kevin Garnett decided he had enough of that shit when the Knicks got within 8 and took over down the stretch, and the C's won by 16. 29-3 start, 1-3 slump, and now three straight wins has Boston at 33-6, five games ahead of Detroit pending the Pistons/Magic result this evening.

I was going to add an update on Liverpool after this, but they sucked their way to another draw and are now in 5th in the Premier League and 14 points behind Man U/Arsenal. They'd better enjoy the Champions League this year, because they don't look like a Big 4 team anymore. It's all about the UEFA Cup, anyways, right?

At this rate, Liverpool may not be fit to beat Havant & Waterlooville in their next FA Cup match.

Everyone Loves To See Boston (Foxboro) vs. New York (Jersey)

Once the Patriots finally finished off the Chargers, it was only a matter of a few hours before we knew what team would be the final obstacle of the season. After two horribly missed field goals and a short stint in overtime, the New York Giants continued to ride the wave of momentum that had carried them through Tampa Bay and Dallas in the previous weeks and will oppose New England, two excruciatingly long weeks from now.

Last week I was strongly hoping the
Chargers would beat the Colts so the Patriots wouldn't have to see the Manning Face again until next year, and for a while today the Chargers were playing well enough to make me regret that decision slightly. Today I was mildly rooting for the Giants to come out on top, since the Patriots already beat the Giants in their home stadium with 60% of their ass-kicking offensive line. That said, of course the Giants can give them a game; almost every team they've faced since their 56-10 Bills beatdown in Week 11 has played them tough. However, I think the Patriots played half-assed in the first half the first time these teams met, and there should be nothing half-assed about how they come out in good weather in Arizona.

But full-on predictions are premature right now. The keys to today's games:

--> Obviously, the Patriots red zone defense is the biggest reason they won, keeping the Chargers out of the end zone and forcing four field goals.
--> Underrated, though, is the fact that the team finally realized Tom Brady's passing offense was, to be kind, fucking pathetic on the day. The team almost looked as dominant offensively running in the three TE set as they do in good weather in the shotgun spread.
--> 2007-08 Brett Favre morphed back into 2005-06 Brett Favre in the second half of the NFC title game. Eli Manning was solid. But the real key was the Giants could run, and the Packers couldn't.
--> If only the Packers had fallen on the R.W. McQuarters fumbled punt return instead of trying (and failing) to pick it up and run, we might be in the first moments of revving up for the Brady vs. Favre Verbal Fellatio Bowl. John Madden would have had an erection for the next two weeks straight.

As Big Daddy Drew so expertly predicted, the matchup everyone wants never comes true. Of course, he's not exactly pleased to be right.

A Night Out With The Celtics

On Wednesday, I went to my first Celtics game ever with my brother and my friends, Scott and Mike. Our goals were simple: start a "Scalabrine" chant and enjoy an easy victory over the LOLcats...I mean, Bobcats. Of course, maybe we shouldn't have expected as much when we knew that Ray Allen would miss the game and suspected that Big Baby Davis would miss it too, suffering from back pain after carrying the team in the fourth quarter on Saturday against the Pistons (actual injury: knee).


The first quarter went well, but it was clear early on that Jason Richardson was hitting everything, so of course we started to root for him to get injured. Once we got our first sighting of Scal coming off the bench, we tried to get a chant going, but the first attempt didn't survive. We also got to see the new Celtics dancers for the first time, and Mike started yelling out to one of them (from our seats in the upper level, so no one heard him). For much of the game I thought he was doing a fake Boston accent, but it turns out that, according to the program, one of the girls is actually named "Jennafa". Her name could not be more perfect for the average Yahdood fan. Also, she says she sleeps "75% of the day"...not sure if she's big on math, but that's 18 hours. Well done, Jennafa.


The second quarter was where everything began to go to shit. At one point the Celtics were up by 11 or 12, but then they stopped scoring and stopped defending simultaneously, and it was actually a small Bobcat lead at halftime. The highlight of this quarter was the mildly successful Scalabrine chant, although we didn't start it, but we contributed. The fans right behind us had finally started to show signs of being drunk (and thereby entertaining as hell) with their own chant for James Posey, while everyone else was chanting for defense. Also, I think there were exactly zero times in the game when the crowd chanted for defense, prompted or not, when it actually worked. Just about every "DE-FENSE" ended with a Bobcat basket.


Second Celtic Dancer point I almost forgot: although this picture on their home page shows a little differently, we counted two Celtic dancers out of 20 that wore a number that wasn't Garnett, Pierce or Ray Allen, and those two both wore Kendrick Perkins' 43. No love for Rondo, girls?


Anyway, the third quarter brought much of the same, and the Bobcats' lead extended to 7. Despite the final result, the fourth quarter was mostly absolute madness. Imagine the picture at the top of this post had a Celtics uniform, because we saw Brian Scalabrine dunk. If I remember correctly, this led to a Charlotte timeout, a rousing Scalabrine chant, and the crowd generally going insane. I remarked at the time that we could actually see Scalabrine's dunk legitimately leading to a Celtics comeback victory. Down the stretch, every time the Celts made a basket and needed a stop, Kevin Garnett was waving his arms to the crowd, and everyone was getting up and making as much noise as possible. **Channels "Chris Farley Show"** That was awesome. We'll forget about the fact that every time this happened, the Bobcats scored.


With about 40 second to go and the Celtics down ten and giving a foul, we joined the mass exodus. The prevailing thoughts on the streets were "The Fuckin Bobcats??" We came to grips with the fact that we ended up seeing the Celtics worst loss of the year eventually. Scott continued to believe in The Curse of Himself. In the end, though, it was a heck of a time, regardless of the result.

Goddamn Bobcats.

The Beer Party Is At The Police Station, Too

I saw this story midday today, and I was drawn to the staggering levels of stupidity. I'm really not sure anymore what to say about it. Maybe it's not their fault...maybe they smoked so much pot that they killed the majority of their brain cells. Also, that the "police said they heard a conversation centered on the irony of smoking pot next to the station from a home separated from the parking lot by a chain-link fence." That's interesting irony, like rain on your wedding day, or a free ride when you've already paid. Was Dave Coulier the inspiration behind that song, too?

Playoffs On Paper: Giants vs. Buccaneers

I have literally watched 0.43 seconds of Tampa Bay Buccaneers football this year, and as I live in a "secondary market" for the Giants I've seen more of them than I ever would've wanted to, so this comparison may not be entirely even. Nevertheless, it's the New York Giants at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday afternoon, so I've got to find some way to compare these teams...ahhhh, here is an unbiased look at the game!


First comparison point: Team-related KSK Posts*

Giants
Buccaneers

* Note: Posts may have little or nothing to do with the team involved.

Second comparison point: Team Statistics

Tampa Bay Rushing Offense: 11th
New York Rushing Defense: 8th

New York Rushing Offense: 4th
Tampa Bay Rushing Defense: 17th

Tampa Bay Passing Offense: 16th
New York Passing Defense: 11th

New York Passing Offense: 21st
Tampa Bay Passing Defense: 1st

Tampa Bay Giveaway/Takeaway: +15
New York Giveaway/Takeaway: -9

Edge: Buccaneers

Third comparison point: Vegas opinion. Tampa Bay is a three point favorite. As mentioned in an earlier playoff post, three points at home is essentially saying that the teams are evenly matched on a neutral field.

Edge: Fucking no one. Thanks for nothing, Vegas.

Fourth comparison point: My opinion. I really don't know much about the Bucs, although the stats above suggest they will probably pick Eli Manning between four and 573 times. That is, assuming the Eli Manning from last week against the Patriots doesn't show up. The Giants have been getting a lot of praise for playing the Patriots at full board last week with nothing at stake for themselves, but on the other hand they lost a starting center, a starting linebacker, and possibly a cornerback, which could leave them that much more likely to falter this week.

My pick: Tampa Bay 17, Giants 16.

Isiah Thomas Forgot His Meds Again

Seriously, I'm starting to run out of reasons for why Isiah continues to think positively about his team and their chances for success. Luckily, Deadspin and its commenters are better at this than I am. This quote, via Deadspin, via the new York Daily News, following a 10 point loss to a Sacramento team that was missing its three best players:

"I know people will laugh even more at me, but I'm hell bent on getting this accomplished and making sure that we get it done. And I'm not leaving until we get it done. I believe that one day we will win a championship here. And I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that. And I believe I'll be a part of that."

You know, Isiah really makes delusion seem like fun. Of course, the real question is: Who's crazier? The guy who thinks his 8-22 team has championship caliber players on it, or the guy who keeps signing his paychecks, despite lawsuits and obvious incompetence?

Playoffs On Paper: Jaguars vs. Steelers

Turning to this Saturday evening's game, we have what promises to be billed as an old-school type of football matchup. These two teams embody the run-first, run-second, run always philosophies that were so successful for championship teams as recently as 70 years ago. None of that fluky, crazy "forward pass" crap for these teams! It's Jacksonville at Pittsburgh.

First comparison point: KSK Posts for the enjoyment of it: (note- posts may have minimal/no relevance to the team listed)

Jaguars

Steelers

Edge: Jags

Second comparison point: Team statistics

Jaguars Rushing Offense: 2nd

Steelers Rushing Defense: 3rd

Steelers Rushing Offense: 3rd
Jaguars Rushing Defense: 11th

Jaguars Passing Offense: 17th
Steelers Passing Defense: 3rd

Steelers Passing Offense: 22nd

Jaguars Passing Defense: 15th

Jaguars Giveaway/Takeaway: +9

Steelers Giveaway/Takeaway: +3

Edge: Steelers


Third comparison point: Vegas opinion. The current line is Pittsburgh by 2. On a neutral field, that line probably swings in favor of Jacksonville, because of how well they're playing going into the game and their success against the same team in the same stadium three weeks ago.


Fourth comparison point: My own opinion. Sure, prevailing guesses on the outcome of this game look back to that one touchdown win by the Jags a few weeks back, but what shouldn't be overlooked is Pittsburgh's 7-1 home record this season. The previous game between these teams also featured the Steelers coming all the way back from a 15 point deficit, which should be further proof of the team's resolve with the backing of their home fans. With all that said, I'm still expecting the Jaguars to win. Willie Parker was a big reason for Pittsburgh's strong rushing attack this year, and though some people think Najeh Davenport is a better fit for a power running game like the Steelers strive for, it may equally be that he's not capable of carrying the bulk of a game's workload.

Pick: Jaguars 28, Steelers 20

Playoffs On Paper: Redskins vs. Seahawks

With the NFL playoffs on the way this weekend, I thought I would attempt to provide insight you could probably find in 100 other places on these here interwebs. In 2006 I managed to go 0 for 7 in predicting how the MLB playoff series would turn out, so go ahead and bet the opposite of every prediction I make, if you go for that sort of thing.

First comparison point: High quality posts from KSK, my favorite NFL humor site, from this season...

Redskins (regarding this loss)
Seahawks*

*-When KSK is devoid of solid posts related to a playoff team, I will link to an unrelated awesome post, like this Wade and Jerry piece.

Edge: Skins.

Second comparison point: Team Statistics

Redskins Passing Offense: 14th of 32
Seahawks Passing Defense: 19th of 32

Seahawks Passing Offense: 8th of 32
Redskins Passing Defense: 16th of 32

Redskins Rushing Offense: 12th of 32
Seahawks Rushing Defense: 12th of 32

Seahawks Rushing Offense: 20th of 32
Redskins Rushing Defense: 4th of 32

Redskins Giveaway/Takeaway: -5
Seahawks Giveaway/Takeaway: +10

If those stats remain true, Shaun Alexander is going to be a non-factor, though Matt Hasselbeck may be able to keep his team in the game regardless. The turnover rates aren't in favor of Washington, though, which could mean the end of the unblemished play of career third stringer Todd Collins.

Edge: Seahawks

Third comparison point: Vegas Opinion. At the moment it's Seattle by 3. A home team being favored by 3 points would seem to be an admission that the game is a toss-up.

Edge: Even

Fourth comparison point: My own opinion. The Redskins closed the season with a great run following the tragic death of their teammate and star safety, Sean Taylor. They are an ill-timed Joe Gibbs double timeout away from a five game win streak entering the playoffs. The Seahawks have managed to play in almost complete anonymity this year (The NFC West being the Witness Relocation Program of NFL divisions). That said, there's always been a prevailing opinion that Seattle possesses one of the best "12th Man" presences, which is something they may need to defeat a playoff opponent that is playing highly inspired football.

Edge: Skins

Final score prediction: Redskins 23, Seahawks 21

The Lakers Wore Hot Pants

I'm a day late on this one, but the Celtics improved to 26-3 on the season on Sunday night by beating the 1980's Lakers (understandably, since they were without Kareem and Magic). The Boston Three Party (taken from Scott Van Pelt) combined for 74 points, Pierce leading the way with 33. Those who were reserving judgment on Boston for when they went out west now have evidence in the trip that just ended with a 4-0 record in a five day span in Sacramento, Seattle, Utah, and Los Angeles. It's no trip to San Antonio, Dallas or Phoenix, but it's still pretty solid evidence that this team should be on the short list of title contenders for this year.

With their next two games coming at home against Houston, without Tracy McGrady, and Memphis, it could get to 28-3. Of course, both games are mere tune-ups for another meeting with their top rivals in the East next Saturday. Considering the Pistons just won a game by 45, that could be a tough one to win.

Photo via Deadspin