USA vs. Mexico: The Unfriendly Friendly

To illustrate the rivalry and hatred between Mexico and U.S. Soccer, ESPN aired a segment interviewing Mexican fans about why they hated Landon Donovan so much. Apparently, during a practice on Mexican soil, he was caught on video urinating behind some bushes, and the Mexicans took it as a personal affront, as though he was urinating on them. (R Kelly not available for comment) The Mexicans continue to pretend like selling Corona in the U.S. isn't the exact same thing as pissing down American throats.

Anyway, since I decided to start commentary on it as I watched it (so that I wouldn't forget everything by tomorrow and abandon a post idea altogether), I guess this is a semi-live-blog (complete with double hyphen). In the first fifteen minutes, there was a bunch of non-action in the midfield, and all of my Jozy Altidore excitement was realized in about zero touches. And then, once Jozy gets free in on goal, it's blown dead thanks to an Oscar-winning dive that secured Mexico a place in the Flopping Bitch World Cup with Italy, Portugal and Spain. Italy, by the way, won the first semifinal of this World Cup today, 3-1, with Andrea Pirlo securing the winner just after halftime.

Bocanegra goes down after a hard collision with Tim Howard, but although Rhode Islander and Revolution alumnus Michael Parkhurst starts warming, Carlos stays in the game.

29th Minute: The Gooch has scored? The Gooch has scored!! 1-0 USA

35th Minute: Mexico equals on a very nice set piece off a mildly questionable foul. The man is Magallon. 1-1

I don't care for objectivity when analyzing this game. Tim Howard is a pretty spectacular goaltender. Don't really know what else to say about it.

40th Minute: Drew Moor makes an exceptional cross, and MY MAN JOZY puts the header home with ease! 2-1 USA!!

42nd Minute: I don't know what happened, but I just had to retract my bold font...Dempsey appeared to have a clear goal to put the US two clear, but they still haven't explained who waved it off or why. REPLAY UPDATE: THEY CALLED A SEVERE BULLSHIT OFFSIDES TO NULLIFY THE GOAL. F#$% THE REFS! KILL THE REFS! (This has been your Scottish Soccer Hooligan moment)

First Half Extra Time: Yellow card awarded to Michael Bradley. Mikey, just because you're the coach's son doesn't mean you can make careless fouls. He could send you to bed with no dessert for that.

Halftime: UNC is losing to Duke, and even worse, Kyle Singler's balls have yet to be stomped upon.

47th Minute: Ole motherf#$%ers...Mexico ties it up 2-2 right out of the locker rooms. Magallon again.

53rd Minute: Altidore gets a great chance at a header to take a lead they should still have, but the refs have full-fledged vaginas and won't call the foul in the box.

Mexico just looks like the better team since the halftime break. They must have had superior orange slices at halftime. It's a free kick from about 30 yards out for Mexico, but Howard has nerves of steel and makes the mildly difficult catch save. A great deflection by a US defender results in a corner kick, which is a win since it should easily have been a goal otherwise. US clears.

Adu in for Dempsey, Feilhaber in for Bradley, 63rd minute. It's Adu and Altidore, the wave of the future, on the attack. Team USA is possessing the ball a lot better immediately, but not making much forward progress, short of a quickly failed Altidore run. Mexico substitution: De Nigris for Cacho. My brother says of this substitution: "Shit"

Gooch gets a yellow card in the 70th minute for a hockey-style body check. Eddie Lewis replaces Bobby Convey. A naturalized Brazilian comes in for the Mexicans. That is gay. He should play for Brazil's C squad. Where are the naturalized Brazilians for the American side dammit?? The free kick from 30 yards is neutralized.

Adu is taking a corner, 74th minute. A nice offering is cleared, and possession eventually gets back to the Americans. Altidore gets a yellow as well, and the rivalry is getting heated as it almost always does.

Play is getting sluggish into the 83rd minute. A Mexican player is writhing in fake pain. I'm sure he'll play the rest of the game, forgetting this act in a minute or two. And he's up. Douchebag.

Mexico seems to be playing for the draw at this point. The international sister kiss is on the way.

Nevermind! Mexico gets a free kick oustide the right side of the box. US clears and it will take late heroics to change the late 2-2 score. Extra time is upon us, Mexico makes another change (Villaluz for Arce) but the game isn't flowing. Howard collects a long free kick, and another poor dispossession leads to a poor Mexican effort. Freddy Adu gets a foul in a decent position in the final seconds for the US. Donovan's kick is cleared on a header, and the match ends, 2-2. The disallowed goal on an insanely bad offsides call kept a somewhat deserved win from the young team.


Damn Mexicans...Dey tuk ur jaabs!!